One of the interesting things I note is how much we let other people, particularly “not nice” people, control our lives.
Sometimes people behave in ways that offend you. But whose problem is this offending? Certainly not the person who is "not nice" - for long after the "offense", they have gone on with their lives, oblivious to how you are feeling about the interaction. You are the one who has the problem - it is your life that is turned inside out and upside down. Really, when people offend you, it is because you have chosen, yes chosen, to be offended. You have allowed someone else to control how you feel, and therefore how you act.
Think of when someone “bad-drives” you. They do the act, then they drive off - do you think that they spend one moment wondering how you feel? No, they are happy - they got ahead in the line and for them, all is well. They are on their way, focused on getting to their destination as quickly as possible. They have not spared one thought for you and how you are feeling. However, you who were bad-driven - you get upset, want to bad drive them back, and then for the rest of the day tell everyone about the bad-driving incident, thus reliving the experience, and the feelings, over and over! You are the one with the problem! If you had chosen to simply laugh at the bad-driver, wave him/her on and maybe even allow him/her free space for the bad-driving, you would not have a problem. You actually would not have been offended! Note that in this scenario the bad-driver no longer controls you – you have chosen a different way of being, and you therefore have a different outcome.
Another common reaction to “not nice” people is to spend time predicting dire consequences for them if they don’t change their ways. We get very concerned and emotional about their well-being. We then move on to prescribe some change that that person MUST make, and get very disturbed if they don’t. Again, who has the problem? Not “so and so”. It is we who have the problem. We are trying to control others' lives, and in the process, they control ours. For we expend a lot of energy focused on them – instead of on ourselves, where the change really needs to be. If we stop for a moment and observe ourselves, we will notice that when we criticize others for some behaviour, we will see that we ourselves behave like this. The criticism is self-criticism. What we don’t like in others is what we don’t like in ourselves. “What we see is what we are seeing with”. Perhaps the fundamental truth of the “not nice” people we see in our lives is that we are really seeing the “not-niceness” in ourselves.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
Niceness
I have a dear friend who is very opinionated, direct, brusque, dogmatic even. He does not mince words. He says exactly what’s on his mind. He is tough with his statements and with his questions. He does not care what people think or say about him. In the past few days, two people have complained to me that he is not “nice” and that “people” have a “problem” with him. Others have done so in the past. And I started to muse on this issue of “niceness”.
I checked my dictionary and found that “nice” means “pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance” or “socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous”. “Niceness” has within it societal norms and values of how we SHOULD behave. Can you believe though, that when I check the etymology of “nice,” I find that it comes from the Latin words “nescius” meaning “ignorant” and “nescire” – “not to know?”
And so, when we say that someone is not “nice” we are really saying that we do not know them. We are saying that our only frame of reference is what society defines as being socially acceptable, and that BASED ON WHAT WE SEE of the person – he/she does not conform and is therefore labeled “not nice”. Notice that we only refer to people as “nice” when they are close to our own level of consciousness. Anything different is – not nice!
From this labeling comes a whole series of events – we now behave towards this person in a certain way befitting people who are not nice. We may choose to not speak to them, not listen to them, and not be with them because who wants to be with a “not nice” person? Then of course, we need to enroll everyone else in this in order to validate our labeling; so we call our friends and acquaintances and start spreading the word – “so and so is not nice”, “people have been saying that so and so is not nice”, “people have a problem with so and so because he or she is not nice”, yada, yada, yada. Think about this: in Jesus’ time - how many people thought that he was nice? In fact he was killed because he was not nice, betrayed and denied even by his own disciples.
And it occurs to me – are we in this world to be nice? Are we here to be what society wants us to be, or are we here to be who WE truly want to be? My daughter often accuses me of not being a nice mother – always of course, when I have taken some disciplinary action or am going against the commonly held perception of what a “nice mother” is. This does not bother me, for I am very clear that the actions I am taking are for her, and my good, and are consistent with my beliefs and convictions are of what type of mother I choose to be.
If we take a closer look we will see that all of our heroes and heroines were not “nice” people. Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Junior, Malcolm X etc. were people who were scorned, imprisoned and even killed for not confirming to acceptable societal norms. At the time, few people thought they were nice! And they did not care. It did not bother them, for they were clear about who they are and what they stood for. They were living without compromise.
When we perceive people to be “not nice” we need to ask ourselves why. What societal norms have we bought into? Once we are hung up on being “nice”, then we are in a world of compromise. In this place, what people say is more important than how we feel i.e. what our higher Self is saying to us. In this place, we are out of control of our lives, for we have given control to others to determine how we react to people and who we have in our lives (for of course, we only want “nice” people in our lives). We also want to be perceived as being nice, so we give up control of our own beliefs, words and actions in exchange for social acceptability. How ignorant!
It is not our duty to be nice. “Niceness” is for ignorant people who want to live out their precious time on this planet in misery, unhappiness and despair. It is our duty to be ourselves, to be true to ourSelf and to have everything in our lives be congruent with that. Ultimately we have a choice – are we going to be nice so that others will like us and we can have lots of “friends” or are we going to be people of integrity who act accordingly?
For what the world needs now are more people of integrity speaking and being the truth. This is what will expand the consciousness of the world and create lasting peace, love and harmony.
It is our duty to be “not nice”!
I checked my dictionary and found that “nice” means “pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance” or “socially or conventionally correct; refined or virtuous”. “Niceness” has within it societal norms and values of how we SHOULD behave. Can you believe though, that when I check the etymology of “nice,” I find that it comes from the Latin words “nescius” meaning “ignorant” and “nescire” – “not to know?”
And so, when we say that someone is not “nice” we are really saying that we do not know them. We are saying that our only frame of reference is what society defines as being socially acceptable, and that BASED ON WHAT WE SEE of the person – he/she does not conform and is therefore labeled “not nice”. Notice that we only refer to people as “nice” when they are close to our own level of consciousness. Anything different is – not nice!
From this labeling comes a whole series of events – we now behave towards this person in a certain way befitting people who are not nice. We may choose to not speak to them, not listen to them, and not be with them because who wants to be with a “not nice” person? Then of course, we need to enroll everyone else in this in order to validate our labeling; so we call our friends and acquaintances and start spreading the word – “so and so is not nice”, “people have been saying that so and so is not nice”, “people have a problem with so and so because he or she is not nice”, yada, yada, yada. Think about this: in Jesus’ time - how many people thought that he was nice? In fact he was killed because he was not nice, betrayed and denied even by his own disciples.
And it occurs to me – are we in this world to be nice? Are we here to be what society wants us to be, or are we here to be who WE truly want to be? My daughter often accuses me of not being a nice mother – always of course, when I have taken some disciplinary action or am going against the commonly held perception of what a “nice mother” is. This does not bother me, for I am very clear that the actions I am taking are for her, and my good, and are consistent with my beliefs and convictions are of what type of mother I choose to be.
If we take a closer look we will see that all of our heroes and heroines were not “nice” people. Jesus, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Junior, Malcolm X etc. were people who were scorned, imprisoned and even killed for not confirming to acceptable societal norms. At the time, few people thought they were nice! And they did not care. It did not bother them, for they were clear about who they are and what they stood for. They were living without compromise.
When we perceive people to be “not nice” we need to ask ourselves why. What societal norms have we bought into? Once we are hung up on being “nice”, then we are in a world of compromise. In this place, what people say is more important than how we feel i.e. what our higher Self is saying to us. In this place, we are out of control of our lives, for we have given control to others to determine how we react to people and who we have in our lives (for of course, we only want “nice” people in our lives). We also want to be perceived as being nice, so we give up control of our own beliefs, words and actions in exchange for social acceptability. How ignorant!
It is not our duty to be nice. “Niceness” is for ignorant people who want to live out their precious time on this planet in misery, unhappiness and despair. It is our duty to be ourselves, to be true to ourSelf and to have everything in our lives be congruent with that. Ultimately we have a choice – are we going to be nice so that others will like us and we can have lots of “friends” or are we going to be people of integrity who act accordingly?
For what the world needs now are more people of integrity speaking and being the truth. This is what will expand the consciousness of the world and create lasting peace, love and harmony.
It is our duty to be “not nice”!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
My Toenails
I love my toes. In fact, I love feet. Nothing fascinates me so much as the perfection of the 10 tiny, perfectly formed toes of a newborn baby. I love my toes so much that even when I spent 2 winters at business school in Boston, my toes were always beautifully pedicured. I love my feet. I massage them, moisturize them and generally ALWAYS have them looking perfect.
Except for the last 4 weeks. The price I paid for completing the Disney Marathon is the certain impending loss of 3 toenails. One look at my feet after the marathon and I realized that the toenails would soon be gone. I accepted that then, but what I have had a hard time accepting is that the whole process of losing the damaged toenails and growing new pretty ones is taking a long time. Despite my tugging at them, gently pulling them, pushing back the cuticles and other manipulation, the toenails refuse to budge. They are coming off at their own sweet pace. I bemoaned this to Yvette, my pedicurist, who assured me not to worry, that all 10 toes would soon be looking pretty again. She advised me to leave them alone and pointed out that the old toenails needed to stay on as protection for the new ones as they grow out. So, I relaxed.
And in this relaxing, I muse: isn’t life just like my toenails? Isn’t it interesting how much we stress ourselves about totally insignificant things? When I consider the triumph of completing 26.2 miles, what are 3 lost toenails? Insignificant! And yet, that is how we approach our lives. We worry and make problems out of minor issues. We focus energy on these issues until they loom like insurmountable obstacles in our lives. Life requires patience. It is no use my worrying about the old toenails. They will come off. In their own time. And the new ones will grow. In their own time. Nothing I do will hasten the process.
When we go through challenging times, we think that our world is coming down around us. What we don’t often recognise is the new growth that’s taking place within us – hidden from view by the old. We keep focusing on the old stuff, the problems, the baggage in our lives, and forget that our challenges present opportunities for us to grow anew. We also forget that our growth is a process – we don’t just achieve nirvana in one leap. There is a process of coming to terms with who we are, of shedding our old selves, of letting go of the detritus we have gathered along the way, of tuning into who and what we want to be and then creating our new selves. We must go through this. Some go through it quicker, others take many lifetimes. What we need is faith and trust in the process. Peeping under one of the old toenails, I see the new one emerging. I can trust that the new toenails are growing – I really did not need to peek.
My toenails are a reminder that there is always a price to pay. We have to give up something in order to achieve our goals. Now, we tend to view this negatively – some may even call it “sacrifice”. What it really means is that we have to come to terms with what’s important in our lives, what we can do without and what will propel us forward. We then understand that giving up something is not negative, but simply, lovingly releasing and letting go of the things that no longer serve us.
Today, I have decided to love my 3 blackened, grungy toenails, as much as I loved them when they were perfect. I release them. I also love the new ones that I know are growing perfectly. I have faith. Today they all, old and new, ARE perfect. As is my life.
Except for the last 4 weeks. The price I paid for completing the Disney Marathon is the certain impending loss of 3 toenails. One look at my feet after the marathon and I realized that the toenails would soon be gone. I accepted that then, but what I have had a hard time accepting is that the whole process of losing the damaged toenails and growing new pretty ones is taking a long time. Despite my tugging at them, gently pulling them, pushing back the cuticles and other manipulation, the toenails refuse to budge. They are coming off at their own sweet pace. I bemoaned this to Yvette, my pedicurist, who assured me not to worry, that all 10 toes would soon be looking pretty again. She advised me to leave them alone and pointed out that the old toenails needed to stay on as protection for the new ones as they grow out. So, I relaxed.
And in this relaxing, I muse: isn’t life just like my toenails? Isn’t it interesting how much we stress ourselves about totally insignificant things? When I consider the triumph of completing 26.2 miles, what are 3 lost toenails? Insignificant! And yet, that is how we approach our lives. We worry and make problems out of minor issues. We focus energy on these issues until they loom like insurmountable obstacles in our lives. Life requires patience. It is no use my worrying about the old toenails. They will come off. In their own time. And the new ones will grow. In their own time. Nothing I do will hasten the process.
When we go through challenging times, we think that our world is coming down around us. What we don’t often recognise is the new growth that’s taking place within us – hidden from view by the old. We keep focusing on the old stuff, the problems, the baggage in our lives, and forget that our challenges present opportunities for us to grow anew. We also forget that our growth is a process – we don’t just achieve nirvana in one leap. There is a process of coming to terms with who we are, of shedding our old selves, of letting go of the detritus we have gathered along the way, of tuning into who and what we want to be and then creating our new selves. We must go through this. Some go through it quicker, others take many lifetimes. What we need is faith and trust in the process. Peeping under one of the old toenails, I see the new one emerging. I can trust that the new toenails are growing – I really did not need to peek.
My toenails are a reminder that there is always a price to pay. We have to give up something in order to achieve our goals. Now, we tend to view this negatively – some may even call it “sacrifice”. What it really means is that we have to come to terms with what’s important in our lives, what we can do without and what will propel us forward. We then understand that giving up something is not negative, but simply, lovingly releasing and letting go of the things that no longer serve us.
Today, I have decided to love my 3 blackened, grungy toenails, as much as I loved them when they were perfect. I release them. I also love the new ones that I know are growing perfectly. I have faith. Today they all, old and new, ARE perfect. As is my life.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Diligence
I always wondered why this word, DILIGENCE, was the one chosen for display on the lectern at my place of worship. I asked myself, why weren’t words that we typically consider indicative of the nature of God chosen? Why weren’t words like LOVE or PEACE chosen? What is the message the person or people who chose these words, sending?
Recently, in working through an aspect of my being that I realized was not in alignment with my God-self, the importance of DILIGENCE came to the fore. Interestingly, the root of the word “diligence” is “diligere” which means “to value highly, love, choose”. So that diligence means constantly making the more valued, love-filled choice. It means that we choose a certain path every single moment of our day. This requires us to observe our emotions, thoughts, words and deeds, and to choose the higher war EVERY moment! (As I edit this blog I note the word “war”, which I did not intend to write – I intended to, and thought that I had written “way” - but have decided to keep “war” as clearly my superconscious was telling me something!) In our spiritual quest, it often feels like we are at “war”. We are literally arguing with ourselves.
It is easy to say “I am love”, and in the next instance say or do something that is entirely antithetical to being love. It is easy to say “I am prosperous” and yet do or say something that reflects the “reality” of a pauper. It is easy to say “I am happy” and in the next instance start complaining about something. This is the “war” that happens in our lives when we are not diligent. It is the war between our feelings, thoughts, words and deeds. It is the war that results because we are inconsistent and out of alignment with the way of love. It is the war that results when we are NOT diligent.
I now realize that DILIGENCE is what is required to be a conscious, enlightened human being, to actually live the words that are so easily mouthed. Being diligent removes the “wars” from our lives, as it is a simple matter of constantly observing our feelings, thoughts, words and deeds, in each moment. When we do this, the “higher road” becomes quite clear and there is no doubt what our choice should be.
It may not be easy to make the shift to living a diligent life – but when we do we will find that we are constantly expressing our Divine nature – easily and effortlessly.
DILIGENCE. I get it! Now to the practice!
Recently, in working through an aspect of my being that I realized was not in alignment with my God-self, the importance of DILIGENCE came to the fore. Interestingly, the root of the word “diligence” is “diligere” which means “to value highly, love, choose”. So that diligence means constantly making the more valued, love-filled choice. It means that we choose a certain path every single moment of our day. This requires us to observe our emotions, thoughts, words and deeds, and to choose the higher war EVERY moment! (As I edit this blog I note the word “war”, which I did not intend to write – I intended to, and thought that I had written “way” - but have decided to keep “war” as clearly my superconscious was telling me something!) In our spiritual quest, it often feels like we are at “war”. We are literally arguing with ourselves.
It is easy to say “I am love”, and in the next instance say or do something that is entirely antithetical to being love. It is easy to say “I am prosperous” and yet do or say something that reflects the “reality” of a pauper. It is easy to say “I am happy” and in the next instance start complaining about something. This is the “war” that happens in our lives when we are not diligent. It is the war between our feelings, thoughts, words and deeds. It is the war that results because we are inconsistent and out of alignment with the way of love. It is the war that results when we are NOT diligent.
I now realize that DILIGENCE is what is required to be a conscious, enlightened human being, to actually live the words that are so easily mouthed. Being diligent removes the “wars” from our lives, as it is a simple matter of constantly observing our feelings, thoughts, words and deeds, in each moment. When we do this, the “higher road” becomes quite clear and there is no doubt what our choice should be.
It may not be easy to make the shift to living a diligent life – but when we do we will find that we are constantly expressing our Divine nature – easily and effortlessly.
DILIGENCE. I get it! Now to the practice!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
The Gifted
I cringe when I hear people talk about “the gifted”. I have always felt that by categorizing some people (a minority) as gifted, we automatically create another category of “non-gifted”. This has very harmful effects on the latter as it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy – if children are labeled “non-gifted”, then they start to believe it and behave that way. We end up creating a small group of elite “gifted” and a large group of people low on self-esteem, confidence and achievement who hide or withhold their gifts because they feel they are not valued.
On a personal note, when I experience such a reaction, I always ask myself why – is it because my children have NOT been classified as gifted? How can that be, for I see, hear, touch and feel my children’s beautiful giftedness every day! Could I possibly be jealous? That’s my ego talking. That’s my ego listening to what others are saying despite all evidence to the contrary. That’s my ego tuning into the norms and values of society. That’s my ego taking me down a path of thinking what I know to be untrue of my children – and of all children.
And so I tune into my higher self, where something deep within me knows that each and every one on this planet is gifted at something.
I am reminded of this matter of “the gifted” by a quote I saw painted on the wall of a school in Trinidad: “All children are gifted; some just open their presents later”. I literally leaped for joy (if one can leap when riding in the back seat of a car!). Someone agrees with me! Someone actually recognizes that all they are teaching are gifted children! Someone recognizes that we are all presents waiting to be opened. What a beautiful thought!
Today, I invite all parents to recognize the gifts within your children. I invite all of us to recognize the gifts within ourselves. I invite all of us to recognize the gifts within each other. Every one of us is gifted. Every one of us is talented. Let us open to Spirit; let us shake off the labels of our past and find our special gifts today! Give your gifts and talents to the world!
On a personal note, when I experience such a reaction, I always ask myself why – is it because my children have NOT been classified as gifted? How can that be, for I see, hear, touch and feel my children’s beautiful giftedness every day! Could I possibly be jealous? That’s my ego talking. That’s my ego listening to what others are saying despite all evidence to the contrary. That’s my ego tuning into the norms and values of society. That’s my ego taking me down a path of thinking what I know to be untrue of my children – and of all children.
And so I tune into my higher self, where something deep within me knows that each and every one on this planet is gifted at something.
I am reminded of this matter of “the gifted” by a quote I saw painted on the wall of a school in Trinidad: “All children are gifted; some just open their presents later”. I literally leaped for joy (if one can leap when riding in the back seat of a car!). Someone agrees with me! Someone actually recognizes that all they are teaching are gifted children! Someone recognizes that we are all presents waiting to be opened. What a beautiful thought!
Today, I invite all parents to recognize the gifts within your children. I invite all of us to recognize the gifts within ourselves. I invite all of us to recognize the gifts within each other. Every one of us is gifted. Every one of us is talented. Let us open to Spirit; let us shake off the labels of our past and find our special gifts today! Give your gifts and talents to the world!
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