Parenting is gender neutral

As I headed out the door at 1.00 a.m. on Sunday morning to pick up my teenagers from a party, I noticed in me feelings of resentment and discomfort about having to do a task that I consider a man’s job, the dangers of a woman exiting her home in the depths of night and driving alone on dark, mostly deserted roads. Thankfully, I came out of it, as I realised that regardless of the circumstances, I do whatever I have to do for the wellbeing and happiness of my children.

All of us have assigned roles to "mother" and "father". Typically, these come from what our mothers and fathers did or did not do. Societal norms affirm these beliefs, with numerous literature and studies on the distinctions and acceptable characteristics of the roles. As our children are born, we come to parenting as mother if we are female, and father if we are male. However, these distinctions are not just about the biological roles, but of the behavioural ones, with clear demarcations of what each must do and is responsible for. In playing out these gender roles, conflicts arise. There is discord between the parents due to differing definitions and expectations from their own unique upbringing as no two people have exactly the same experience of "mother" and "father". As each grapples with what works and what doesn’t, there are internal struggles as well – with what we have transferred automatically from our experience, and what we recognise does not work with the unique individuals known as our children. Matters are further compounded when there is only one parent present. Then that parent has to figure out how to provide the full experience of parenting required by the child. For whether it is by mother, father or both, the child has needs that must (or should) be met.

Once we recognise that parenting is about doing our best to meet our child’s needs for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual guidance and development, and then it matters less which gender provides it. Dysfunction in the relationship with the child occurs when we approach the task with rigid definitions of "mother" and "father", as half of a mother/father pair rather than as a whole parent. For when we do this we become resentful and angry at the failure of the other party and our own failure. It is these negative feelings that cause dysfunction, not the situation itself.

It is important that we approach parenting with a focus on our children’s wellbeing, and not from our past experience of being parented. Whatever our children need, we provide as best we can regardless of whether our father or mother did or did not do it, or who society says "should" do it. Communication between the parents is crucial – to define what parenting means for both in terms of their upbringing and deeply held beliefs, what each child’s unique needs are, and who will do what regardless of societal gender-based roles. It is so important to approach parenting with love and gratitude, for the gift of a child is the greatest joy. When things go right, it is the source of highest joy and when things go wrong, it provides our greatest life lessons.

As I headed out the door at 1.00 a.m. my thoughts were transformed from anger and resentment to gratitude for the gift of being a parent. Whatever my children need I will provide lovingly and joyously, regardless of whether it is considered the mother’s job or the father’s job. I am a parent.

I live boldly

One of my inspirational readings on Sunday was entitled "I live boldly". This affirmation rested with me all day as I contemplated living boldly. I thought of people throughout history, people I have known who dared to live boldly. Some are famous, some just quietly live boldly. I remembered how boldly my son Shane was born – barrelling into this world with such speed that the doctor hardly had time to catch him! And he has been bold ever since. I happened upon a video clip of a 13-year old young man, addressing the Conference of Conservatives in the United States of America and boldly lecturing the gathering on what conservatism really is – "A principle, not a policy" - with such gumption and aplomb. And I thought of myself – some of the bold, audacious things I have done and some I have thought of, but not done … yet.

Now, I have some very, very grand ideas. Many of them have not been carried out. Could it be that I am not living boldly? Perhaps, for what also keeps niggling at the edges of my mind is feedback from the leader of a painting workshop I attended two weeks ago: "You need to be bold". At the time, I thought she was crazy – "Who me? More bold than I already am?" And then I let it sink in. Perhaps I am not as bold as I think. I took this comment to be not just about my painting, but about who I am; for my painting, indeed everything I do, is a reflection of that. What I express on paper is who I am. If I am not bold enough on paper – could it be that I am not bold enough in my life?

To add further to my musing on living boldly, yesterday I came across this sentence "I only have ideas I am able to carry out". Does this mean that any idea I create, I have the capacity and capability to carry it out? This makes sense, for if I did not, then I would not even be able to think the idea. This is totally in alignment with two well-known quotations:

"What the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve"
"A think is created twice – once in the mind and then in the physical realm"

This is a powerful thought, that just by having an idea, I also have the ability to carry it out! Indeed, this thought is BOLD - pushing us beyond what we ever thought possible for ourselves, beyond the limits of our action, and indeed the limits of our ideas. Living boldly is how we manifest the abundance and the evergivingness of the Universe. It is also the path to joy, for living boldly is living exactly as the Universe is. When we live boldly, we are in full harmony with the Universe and all in it. And most of all, we are in harmony with ourselves.

What do we need to do to live boldly? We need to create two realities: the first is a bold vision, or idea of who we are and what we are about. I am a strong advocate of writing or drawing this vision, so that you create a strong emotional connection with it. There are no limits here - we have an infinite capacity to think and create. Let us use it!

Having declared it in our mind, and committing it to Mind, our next step is to create it in the physical realm. Now here is the tricky part. This is not about obsessive doing, nor passive sitting. It is about allowing our good to flow to us unrestricted. It is about tuning into Divine Guidance: to know when to flow and when to go. It is about removing or rising above our fears and acting regardless.

There is nothing hesitant or tentative about our Universe. It is a vibrant, alive, ever-changing, always evolving, creative force manifesting in every millisecond something new and magnificent. There is nothing hesitant or tentative about our true nature as human beings - our ability to create ever more magnificent forms.

As we learn to live boldly, ever and ever greater guidance will come to us to live even more boldly so that our lives become beacons of what is possible for humanity. Think of those who live boldly – isn’t that what they are?

All-one

My friend Elsa wrote on her Facebook page:

Tonight i looked out my window and saw a breadfruit slice of a moon in the sky. Clear white light. And beside it, to the right almost perfectly in line with the tip of the slice, the brightest diamond of a star. The sky is a deep velvet blue. There are no other stars out yet. Everything is aligned correctly in line ........ beautiful .........

I followed:
I saw it too as I came out of my yoga class. I stopped and let it just melt in

And then my sister Carole:
You know, I just realised I saw it too....it was like a dream

Elsa again:
Oh, I thought it was different. So it wasn't just me alone. What a beauty ...


Carole and I live in Jamaica and Elsa lives in Edmonton Canada. Yet were looking at the same thing and having the same response. This is a real reminder that we live in one beautiful world, and that we are all one – not alone – all-one!